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Life with PTSD was lonely. I was depressed, sleepless. My behaviour erratic, uncontrolled.
I couldn’t speak to friends or family about the drowning. They had heard it once, and it was too painful for them to listen twice. “Just get over it” is common advice for people suffering with a traumatic experience. If it was that easy, I would have done it already.
When I finally realized that I wasn’t going to get over it, I decided I would try anything and everything to get relief, no matter how strange or wacky. I had no idea where I was going or what to expect, only hope kept me searching.
Oh man, I was so green! Even the tamest alternative healthcare modality seemed exotic and strange.
First I tried a homeopath, and she gave me a couple of vials of Bach’s Flower Essences. “Flowers? She thinks flowers are going to help me?” I thought dejectedly as I left her office. I was ‘supposed’ to take 6 measly drops per day, but that didn’t even begin to cut it. Soon I was sucking back vials morning, noon and night. I had drops in my water bottle, drops in my juice, drops on my tongue. I carried these dinky little bottles with me everywhere. I upgraded to Rescue Remedy, and quickly became dependent on that little bottle.
The vials were helping me get through the day, but I realized they were just a crutch and I needed to find some real help. I went to other homeopaths, acupuncturists, chiropractors – anyone who held out a glimpse of hope. Nothing seemed to help in a meaningful, lasting way.
It was while hiking in my beloved Rocky Mountains that my prayers for help were finally answered. My girlfriend mentioned a woman named Rita, and said she got ‘good results’ with her. Enough said. Without a word of questioning, I booked in with Rita as soon as I got home.
Rita Bozi is a Three-In-One Concepts practitioner, a type of energy healing. I had never heard of ‘energy’ healing, so when I saw the massage table in her room I just assumed I was going to strip down and enjoy a hot stone massage or something equally relaxing.
That first session changed the trajectory of my life. While I didn’t have a clue what Rita was doing or how it worked, I did gain an understanding of myself, and what I was going through. I felt relief – life changing relief – after that first session, and eagerly signed up for more.
I went to Rita once a month for two years. Slowly, I regained myself. I calmed down, was able to control my anger, and learned about the many ‘shoulds’ in my life. I had some lucid moments when the fog would lift and I could concentrate and be present. I still wasn’t back to my ‘normal’ self, but I could function, which was saying a lot.
My hiking partner once again recommended someone to try, Chantel Karkut, a BodyTalk practitioner. I was leery of changing things up after so much time with Rita, but I thought my kids could benefit from a session. Chantel told me that my daughters had suffered some kind of separation from me when they were three and a half years old.
I was floored! How could she know this? My girls were unaware of the drowning, and we never spoke about it. I immediately booked myself in with Chantel.
During my first session, Chantel pulled an “entity” from me, a negative energy attachment as a result of bearing witness to the last moments of that woman’s life.
I immediately felt a huge change in myself. The burden I had dragged around for years was finally gone. I could look out at the world with clear eyes, and a clear mind. I felt like me again.
My healing journey was far from over, but I could now start the next phase and reconnect with my family.
The further away I get from the drowning the better I do, but writing about my journey with PTSD leaves me shaken. I feel irritable, frustrated, annoyed, and overwhelmed. Dipping back in, even for a moment, makes me realize that perhaps I will never quite be the same, that this will be with me forever. It also makes me realize how far I have come, and how PTSD does not have to rule (ruin) my life.
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Part IV of My Journey – Full Circle – describes how I became a BodyTalk practitioner, and the remarkable moment when I knew I was a healer.